Son Of “What Americans Know About The Politics Of Other Countries”

It was a simpler time; a time before the most recent market collapse; before the party of “change” regained the control over government they’d enjoyed for the better part of the previous hundred years and began instituting the same market policies Karl Marx had advocated in the 19th century; a time of innocence and rampant cocaine abuse. A time when the Beast had his own blog and treated it with the same degree of neglect he treats his new one – if not more.

A simpler time.

Yet here we are; in a new epoch, transcending partisanship, nationalism and common  sense. Americans no more – we are all passengers on Spaceship Earth.

Steerage class, of course.

And so it is within this spirit of renewalagabitlity and modernabiliitisism, a time when Matt Damon can make Bill Kristol look like Emo Phillips, that the Beast resurrects his most successful series of nightmarishly unfair ethnic, geographic and cultural slurs.

Because, Dear readers, it’s time.

Son Of “What Americans Know About The Politics (And Now Culture) Of Other Nations”

A.

Haiti and The Dominican Republic.

1. Geography:

Haiti and The Dominican Republic share the island of Hispaniola.  Originally discovered by Columbus, only the prospect of scurvy, starvation and watery death could make this place appear appetizing. Haiti and The Dominican Republic don’t interact much culturally or economically, apart from kidnapping each other’s Zombies for work in the Sugar Cane Fields.

2. Government:

The political system of both nations is esentially the same but with a few key differences. While both conduct their legislative functions with all the deliberative dignity of a mass Cockfight (only bloodier), the chief executive of The Dominican Repulic tends toward brutal Junta Generals, while the Hatians favor Creepy Voodoo Shamans.

3. Culture:

Dominicans occasionally take time off from their brisk regimen of slaughter and thievery to harvest Tarantulas. This can be a hazardous job because occasionally a banana gets mixed in. Agriculturally less-blessed Haiti does a brisk trade in genital shriveling curses, sinister alkaloids and Human souls trapped in empty rum bottles.

4. Cusine:

The Dominican diet consists entirely of fat, starch and rum. The Haitian diet depends heavily on rum as well, but they have no cuisine because they have no food – apart from the occasional hallucinogenic weed and exsanguinated chicken.

6. Errata:

Typical Hatian Law: Zombie ownership capped at one per family.

Haitian Law We’d Like To See: National Machete Registry.

Typical Dominican Law: Women over three hundred pounds prohibited from wearing tube tops in public.

Dominican Law We’d Like To See: Women over two hundred pounds prohibited from wearing tube tops in public.

B.

India

1. Geography

India depends from the crotch of Asia and Africa like a half-descended testicle.  It’s climate ranges from fetidly hot to bakingly hot.  Life in India is somewhat akin to life inside a bamboo steamer that occasionally runs out of water. India is a land of deadly mountains, lethal deserts, pestiferous cities, malarial swamps and predacious jungles. In that sense it is not entirely unlike California with a dash of Louisiana. India swarms with deadly diseases, malignant parasites, dangerous insects, poisonous reptiles and vicious predators. India is also overpopulated, leading one to consider the possibility that as bad as these vermin are, the Indians must be worse.

2. Government.

India was once a British colony who managed to throw off the yoke of foreign government after the Second World War. Unlike America – who did this by killing Brits – India achieved their independence by killing Indians. They have continued this gambit ever since. The nation of Pakistan was once part of India but split off to pursue their own agenda of slow economic, political and religious suicide. Relations between the two nations are akin to the Hatfields and McCoys but with nukes.

3. Culture

Indians are a profoundly alien people and their centuries of association with Britain has not helped. They have shed some of their more repulsive traditions, such as burning widows alive and Kali Death Cults, but still cling to a rigid class hierarchy, religious intolerance, and foul cuisine – thanks a lot, Great Britain! Modernity has  transformed India into a nation of telephone operators and IT Techs self-named “Chip” and “Todd”. Entertainment in India has morphed over the years from half-naked Fakirs performing unspeakable acts with snakes to a movie industry that features films about god-knows-what,  occasionally interrupted by bouts of spastic gyrations and caterwauling. Indians believe to this day that the “Nightmare On Elm Street” series was a documentary.

4. Cuisine

Indian food comes in two basic flavors: Cat Shit and Perfumed Armpit. Occasionally the two are combined with a result best described as unspeakable. Their food staple is the Onion, from which the author believes the reader can draw his own conclusions.

5.Religion.

Draws heavily on Multiarmed Elephants, Allah, Buddha and human blood.

6. Errata

Typical Indian Law: Families are capped at no more than fourteen cobras per household.

Indian Law We’d Like To See: Why Bother?

So Three Weeks Ago The Beast Had This “Heart Attack” Thingy…

and is now the proud possessor of a “stent” in his right coronary artery. Naturally this had to happen 10 days before heath insurance kicked in at the new job.  The good news is that the attack itself was tiny (he thought it was a sore throat) and damage minimal. One blockage in one artery that was fixed literally 3 hours after he walked into the emergency room. On Friday afternoon of Memorial Day weekend, no less! The cardiologist showed up in shorts and a tee shirt.

There’s nothing like restored blood flow to make a guy feel Aces. He was back to work six days later. When the Beast-dad had his heart attack in 1988 he was out for 5 months. Technology is amazing.

The Beast Is Now Blogging Exclusively At Constitution Club

A group blog comprising Liberal, Conservative and Libertarian members. The rules are simple:

1. Keep it fairly clean.

2. Keep it fairly Civil.

3. No loony conspiracy theories.

Come on by and join the dialogue.

Weird Al – Star Wars American Pie

Gotta love it.

Separated at Birth?

Paris Hilton and John Mitchell Slept Here

Five score and multiple naked Paris Hilton’s ago . . .

Video: Mike Huckabee Rocks the Weekend FRC Values Voters Summit 2007

Even the MSM were impressed by GOP Presidential Mike Huckabee’s speech at the FRC Values Voters Summit 2007. Video of his speech is compiled in three parts here. See for yourself what all the buzz is about.

Part One: “Wait til old, retiring hippies find out they can get free drugs from the government…”

 

Part Two: “Not even duct tape and WD40 can fix it…”

 

Part Three: “It’s important that the language of Zion is a Mother Tongue and not a recently acquired second language.”

Salmon and Foliage In New Hampshire This Weekend

The entire set can be seen here.

Dan Rather – Old Fart.

Poor old Dan Rather is in his dotage. It’s time to take away the matches and the keys. It is no longer safe to allow him out on his own. He has lurched publicly into the “I’ve-fallen-and-I-can’t-get-up” twilight of advanced age. He has officially become an Old Fart. How do we know this?

The Hairy Beast’s father, The Senior Beast, often said he was able to pinpoint the exact moment his dad turned into an Old Fart.

“I was driving down route eleven towards Lake Winnipesaukee with my dad in the passenger seat and he suddenly turned to me and said ‘Y’know, just because the speed limit sign says fifty five, that don’t mean you have to go fifty five!’.”

“So I dropped down to fifty and soon enough I had a line of about thirty cars backed up behind us. Some passed, others blew their horn. I was mortified but your Grandfather just sat there smiling and bitching about Roosevelt. After a few minutes I couldn’t stand the embarrassment anymore and I sped back up. He turned to complain and I said “Pop, give me a break, these people all hate us now!” He smiled and said ‘We’re doing them a favor – we’re making them slow down!’.”

The Grandpa Beast was lucky, in a way. He had his Old Fart (pronounced “Old Fahht” in New Hampshire Dialect) Moment in front of only a few dozen people. And it was anonymous. Poor old Dan Rather’s is happening in front of the entire world. Yes, Ol’ Dan is now officially an Old Fart.

Let’s look at what makes an Old Fart an Old Fart.

1. Still Angry After All These Years.
For Old Farts, the outrage they felt over the Smoot-Hawley Tariff is just as fresh today as it was Way Back When. This ire is like a well-aged Gumbo simmering away for decades in their mental pot. It is prone to boil over at any moment and often does, particularly at the most inappropriate times. Who has not been treated to the spectacle of an Old Fart suddenly shrieking with purple-faced choler over Truman’s firing of MacArthur halfway through a wedding?

Compare this to Old Man Rather, who bitches bitterly about his forced early retirement from CBS at the unripe age of 73 and has filed a $70 million lawsuit against his former employer over it. The rest of us had all but forgotten about his role in Memogate, or filed it away in a corner of our mind reserved for specially fond memories, but not Ol’ Dan. He’s plenty hot over it still. And of course he has to embarrass his friends by pitching a huge public fit, prompting them to whisper to each other the time-honored question; “Why hasn’t his family been making him take his medication?”.

2. “I don’t care what you say he did – Stalin saved us all!”
your typical Old Fart is constitutionally unable to recognize anybody elses’ point of view. The advance of the ages has warped their memory and their perspective. They no longer recall their own mistakes or arguments to the contrary, and they don’t care to hear it anyway. Everybody else will have to cater to them and their whims. If they don’t like it they can just pass or blow their horn. Ol’ Dan doesn’t seem to care that he smeared the President with a story predicated on forged documents just weeks before a national election. He appears to have never considered that he and his producers jettisoned the most basic principles of journalism. He’s right and the rest of Planet Earth is wrong.

3. Outbursts.
Old Farts say irrational stuff like “The documents may be fake but the story’s accurate.” without a shred of embarrassment.

4. Whoops – There Goes That Hip Again!
Old Farts have accidents. They pee themselves in church and set fire to the kitchen trying to heat up a can of beans. They file meritless $70 million dollar lawsuits against their former employers.

5. Everything Old Was Better, Especially If It Was Worse.
Your typical Old Fart will exclaim “When I was a kid back in the Devonian Period we had twenty one percent less oxygen in our atmosphere but we didn’t mind! We made do with what we had!” Ol’ Dan constantly points to his glory days at CBS as a triumph wherein he took over a first place news show and brought it firmly down to third, but it was better.

Well, compared to Katie Couric, maybe we can give him this one.

Democratic Roulette.

They Refuse To Give Up Their Precious Defeat

Democrats and their liberal brethren are facing a very big problem this week. Having staked a large portion of their political capital on U.S. defeat in Iraq they must now come to grips with the possibility that we might actually win this war. This would be – if not actual disaster, at least a serious setback to their future plans. They rode anti-war sentiment into the Congress with real hopes that the Republicans would continue their losing streak right up to the White House next year. However, Bush and the G.O.P. unexpectedly doubled down and began to win a few. The house odds (never bet against the US Military) reasserted themselves.

With most of their chips set firmly on black it would not be surprising if the Democrats prudently sought to scatter a few out to red, just to hedge their bets. Unfortunately, they can’t. Their base will not let them. The Netroots and Moveon.org hold too many party markers to be ignored. Primaries are won by the base, and the Democrat base wants to lose this war pronto. Unfortunately, General Elections are won in the political middle. If the Dems force a loss in a war that the electorate eventually comes to see as winnable, they will pay a hefty political price in an area of political weakness where they can ill-afford to lose any more ground; National Security.

Hence the dilemma: Democratic candidates need to play to their the antiwar base to get the nod to run nationally, but they do at peril of making themselves unelectable. The millions of Americans who initially supported the invasion of Iraq, presumably because they thought we could win (a reasonable assumption at the time), and who changed their minds when they decided we were not, could well change their minds back again if they see that we now are. Nutroot-pandering candidates will get a hundred percent of the Moveon.org vote, but (as private citizen Ned Lamont can attest) how far will that get them, really?

Of course the Dems could get lucky and America could still lose in Iraq. But after watching General Petraeus’ performance in front of Congress this week thats seems less and less likely. Efforts to paint this man as an administration shill not only failed, but boomeranged as it became apparent that the Dems and their Moveon.org succubi were desperately trying to hang on to their precious defeat by slandering a capable and honorable man. The Dems were not helped when Moveon.org hermeneutically displayed their political tin ear on a heavily discounted full page of the New York Times. One has to wonder who the “us” in “Betray-us” really turned out to be?

So the chips are placed and the wheel spins. Sometimes the ball bounces into black, sometimes red. Lately its been more red than black. Democrats chose (willingly and unwillingly) black, for defeat. Frankly, it was a sucker bet from the beginning.