It was a simpler time; a time before the most recent market collapse; before the party of “change” regained the control over government they’d enjoyed for the better part of the previous hundred years and began instituting the same market policies Karl Marx had advocated in the 19th century; a time of innocence and rampant cocaine abuse. A time when the Beast had his own blog and treated it with the same degree of neglect he treats his new one – if not more.
A simpler time.
Yet here we are; in a new epoch, transcending partisanship, nationalism and common sense. Americans no more – we are all passengers on Spaceship Earth.
Steerage class, of course.
And so it is within this spirit of renewalagabitlity and modernabiliitisism, a time when Matt Damon can make Bill Kristol look like Emo Phillips, that the Beast resurrects his most successful series of nightmarishly unfair ethnic, geographic and cultural slurs.
Because, Dear readers, it’s time.
Son Of “What Americans Know About The Politics (And Now Culture) Of Other Nations”
Haiti and The Dominican Republic.
Haiti and The Dominican Republic share the island of Hispaniola. Originally discovered by Columbus, only the prospect of scurvy, starvation and watery death could make this place appear appetizing. Haiti and The Dominican Republic don’t interact much culturally or economically, apart from kidnapping each other’s Zombies for work in the Sugar Cane Fields.
The political system of both nations is esentially the same but with a few key differences. While both conduct their legislative functions with all the deliberative dignity of a mass Cockfight (only bloodier), the chief executive of The Dominican Repulic tends toward brutal Junta Generals, while the Hatians favor Creepy Voodoo Shamans.
Dominicans occasionally take time off from their brisk regimen of slaughter and thievery to harvest Tarantulas. This can be a hazardous job because occasionally a banana gets mixed in. Agriculturally less-blessed Haiti does a brisk trade in genital shriveling curses, sinister alkaloids and Human souls trapped in empty rum bottles.
The Dominican diet consists entirely of fat, starch and rum. The Haitian diet depends heavily on rum as well, but they have no cuisine because they have no food – apart from the occasional hallucinogenic weed and exsanguinated chicken.
Typical Hatian Law: Zombie ownership capped at one per family.
Haitian Law We’d Like To See: National Machete Registry.
Typical Dominican Law: Women over three hundred pounds prohibited from wearing tube tops in public.
Dominican Law We’d Like To See: Women over two hundred pounds prohibited from wearing tube tops in public.
India depends from the crotch of Asia and Africa like a half-descended testicle. It’s climate ranges from fetidly hot to bakingly hot. Life in India is somewhat akin to life inside a bamboo steamer that occasionally runs out of water. India is a land of deadly mountains, lethal deserts, pestiferous cities, malarial swamps and predacious jungles. In that sense it is not entirely unlike California with a dash of Louisiana. India swarms with deadly diseases, malignant parasites, dangerous insects, poisonous reptiles and vicious predators. India is also overpopulated, leading one to consider the possibility that as bad as these vermin are, the Indians must be worse.
India was once a British colony who managed to throw off the yoke of foreign government after the Second World War. Unlike America – who did this by killing Brits – India achieved their independence by killing Indians. They have continued this gambit ever since. The nation of Pakistan was once part of India but split off to pursue their own agenda of slow economic, political and religious suicide. Relations between the two nations are akin to the Hatfields and McCoys but with nukes.
Indians are a profoundly alien people and their centuries of association with Britain has not helped. They have shed some of their more repulsive traditions, such as burning widows alive and Kali Death Cults, but still cling to a rigid class hierarchy, religious intolerance, and foul cuisine – thanks a lot, Great Britain! Modernity has transformed India into a nation of telephone operators and IT Techs self-named “Chip” and “Todd”. Entertainment in India has morphed over the years from half-naked Fakirs performing unspeakable acts with snakes to a movie industry that features films about god-knows-what, occasionally interrupted by bouts of spastic gyrations and caterwauling. Indians believe to this day that the “Nightmare On Elm Street” series was a documentary.
Indian food comes in two basic flavors: Cat Shit and Perfumed Armpit. Occasionally the two are combined with a result best described as unspeakable. Their food staple is the Onion, from which the author believes the reader can draw his own conclusions.
Draws heavily on Multiarmed Elephants, Allah, Buddha and human blood.
Typical Indian Law: Families are capped at no more than fourteen cobras per household.
Indian Law We’d Like To See: Why Bother?