The Hairy Beast
Thursday, August 12, 2006
In his youth the Hairy Beast was forced, for a period of time, to share his lair with two other twenty-somethings. Having been denied the boon of noble and wealthy birth the Beast has always had to work for a living – oftimes for peanuts. In the 1990’s a post-election recession caused The Beast to lose his crappy job and take an even crappier one, so he had to find somebody to split expenses. After interviewing a wide range of characters with an even wider range of social, employment and mental incapacities he settled on two of the least psychotic of the lot and they moved in.
They were both actors.
As you might suspect, it did not go too well. Actors are an odd breed – they specialize in artifice – which meant these two seemed like decent folk at first. But after a few weeks the
constant competition for attention, the odd snobbery and other quirks of character so common to the species wore away at The Beast’s nerves. But what really bothered him the most was their total disregard for the printed word.
Actors don’t think and then speak their ideas. Actors read and then speak other, smarter people’s ideas. They are preening Vampires who – unable to produce their own literary blood – must suck it out of others though it does them no good in the passing. They flush beautifully for a short time, then relapse into dullness once they have voided. Little remains behind.
They must seek constantly to fill this emptiness with the words of strangers because on some deeper level they understand that without those words they are nothing. They are empty.
So the lair was littered with books, plays and essays. The actors consumed them voraciously, but not to glean meaning. They wanted something that sounded good, so they would look good sounding it. Worse still, they came to believe that because they were saying profound things, that they themselves were profound. Which they were, as long as they were speaking the words of others. They had no interest in the wheat, they wanted the pretty, pretty chaff.
Occasionally an actor will become successful. When that happens he or she may come to believe that he really is as good as the words he parrots. He may decide to put pen to paper and produce material of his own. The results of such efforts are difficult to judge because there are a surfeit of real writers available (The Beast is one – email him if you have work) who are willing to untangle actor-prose and comb it into presentability. However, when actors fail to avail themselves of the services of actual writers, the results can be hilarious.
The Blogosphere is littered with big, steaming specimens of crappy celebrity writing. A Blog is a total vanity project (this one included) and celebs are totally vanity-driven. Therefore celeb blogs abound. Consider this from Rosie O’Donnell’s Blog.
wake up mr west
Posted by ro on August 30th at 11:34pm in family
am way 2 involved
in big brother all stars
i must get the first 6 seasons
i missed the whole thing
how did this happen
vivi cut her own hair
and blakes too
with craft zig zag sizors
blakes is ok
hers is tragic
not as bad as kathy nordins
she had 2 get a pixie
it was very tramatic
on rhonda lane
they retouched katie …
they airbrush everyone
in everything we see on tv or in print
Rosie writes ands spells like an eight year old. There are no topic sentences, the ideas drift and blend, barely making any sense. Pesky punctuation is just ignored. And why is everything on her page formatted as poetry? Is it to make the scribblings look more impressive, more free-versey, like a fancy frame around a child’s crayon drawing?
No clue. This is just what happens when actors write.
POSTSCRIPT: Fairness requires The Beast to admit that as a nascent scribbler he suffers from a similar ailment – writers are also notorious for their excess of self-regard and the fact that he is writing this now for hundreds of strangers to read proves it. Writing is a form of performance, but unlike acting there is no hiding behind a character, no ability to choose the best words from famous writers, there is only the writer and the quality of his prose and ideas. To him words are precious, they are not glittery bits of tinsel to be thrown into the air thoughtlessly. Writers are misers, actors are spendthrifts.
However, if any famous actors want help, The Hairy Beast can be reached at
Reasonable rates and initial read fees apply.