Two Thousand Dollars Worth of Chinese Food Part 3.

By The Hairy Beast

The money had come, the money had gone. There was nothing to be done.

I could have ranted and raved, stomped around the house frothing impotently at the mouth and waving my arms. Would it have helped? I was married to the kind of woman who could receive a check in my name, forge my signature on it and spend every penny in four hours. Do you think she cared, or even thought about consequences?

Oh, I sat her down. She was relaxed, pupils dilated, still narcotized, still high from her spending binge. She listened as I explained that – in the future – if a check for an appreciably large amount of money came to the house she was to exercise a bit of self control and wait the few hours required to tell me about it and give me a chance to help decide what to do with it. It was only fair.

Of course she agreed and apologized. She would do better in the future. She promised.

There was about a half hour left before I had to go to bed. I spooned chinese glop into a bowl, nuked it till molten and ate it on the back stoop. It fumed in the cold autumn air. I rinsed out the bowl and climbed alone into our bed. The night passed badly, the food in my stomach deliquesced into a pool of bubbling acid. I dreamed of smothering, of stumbling into various bogs and sinking, my nostrils filling with rancid mud.

A month later the phone rang and I made the mistake of picking it up.


“Hi. This is Ed over at the Chrysler dealership. Am I talking to (The Hairy beast)?”

“Yes, this is he. How can I help you, Ed?”

“Well, you bought an SUV from us six weeks ago and I’m sorry to tell you this but we messed up a little on the paperwork. The price we gave you for the lease was based, in part, on a rebate from chrysler. Two thousand dollars. That should have gone to us, but we accidentally checked the wrong box on the form and I think it went to you instead.”


“Mister Beast?”


“Did you get the check? Hello?”

“Um. Yes, I’m here. Yes, the check came.”

“Oh good! Well sir if you would just pop it into an envelope and mail it over to us, we’d appreciate it. We’re very sorry to inconvenience you like this.”



Continue to part 4



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