Update – Request Your Own National Political Slur

While none of the readers from other parts of the world has taken offense to the Beast’s slurs against their respective inconsequential homelands in What Americans Know About The Politics Of Other Nations and What Americans Know About The Politics Of Other Nations, Part Two, a few have been irked that their country was left out. Frankly, the Beast found this attitude a bit mystifying. Upon reflection, the Beast found a comparable example in Roman Historian Suetonius’ “De Vita Caesarum” (A.D. 121). Suetonius describes Emperor Vespasian’s pique at being left out of an insult comic’s routine at court. This ancient Don Rickles had everyone in stitches with his cuts and jabs, but avoided making jokes at The Emperor’s expense. Vespasian, wanting to join in on the fun, asked the fellow “Are you going to start making some jokes about me?”

Referencing the well- known fact that Vespasian went about with a perpetually strained look on his face, the comic replied:

“Yes I am, just as soon as you finish taking that shit!”

Suetonius does not record this comic’s fate, but one may presume the Emperor probably laughed his ass off and paid the guy extra.

So, in the finest tradition of milking a winning theme to death, the Beast invites his readers to emulate Vespasian. The Imperial toilet is in the comment section, please feel free to evacuate your requests and the Beast will do his best to honor them.


Request #1 – Kirsten Namskau:

18. Egypt
A certain percentage of Americans undoubtedly think Egypt is still run by a Pharaoh – probably married to his sister. Egypt is a country that peaked two thousand years ago and has been coasting downhill ever since. Egyptian politicians practise government in the same way Russian roulette players practise target shooting – whoever doesn’t get shot, wins. Until he gets shot. The Egyptian economy is predicated on a brisk trade in the following commodities:

Prepubescent boys
I.T. Professionals
The Bones of their Ancestors.

While demand for the first two continues unabated, the last tailed-off in the early twentieth century when Egyptian trains switched to burning diesel instead of Mummies.

Egypt attempted to flex political and military muscle a few times in the latter half of the twentieth century, always with disastrous results – in the 50’s they took control of the Suez Canal away from Britain. Three months later Israel invaded and took control of the Sinai away from Egypt.


In 1973 Egyptian President Anwar Sadat joined forces with Syria to take the Sinai back, which they did temporarily until Israel kicked them back out AND took away the Suez Canal.


In 1978 Egyptian President Anwar Sadat signed the Camp David Peace Accord with Israeli President Menachim Begin, at the behest of Jimmy Carter and received a Peace Prize from the Nobel committee in Stockholm. In 1981 he received a bullet in the head from the Egyptian Army in Cairo.


Typical Egyptian Law: Robbing graves over twenty years old is strictly prohibited.

Law We’d Like To See: An end to the camel sex industry.



  1. Posted May 2, 2007 at 4:31 pm | Permalink

    WOW … At least, I’m not dead yet … I’m still playing Russian Roulette. 😀

    …Camel sex industry … am I allowed to drink it’s milk … right from the udder??? 😉

  2. Posted May 2, 2007 at 4:33 pm | Permalink


    Sweetie you asked for it. The Beast never holds back. Remember it’s all in fun AND the joke is also on Americans too.

  3. Posted May 3, 2007 at 9:19 am | Permalink

    I am well in on that, my dear … I do understand a joke and I was jokeing too.(Don’t worry)

  4. Doug
    Posted May 5, 2007 at 1:28 pm | Permalink

    Kirsten… “from the udder”… that sounds like practice to me.. so yes go for it.. 😉

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