What Americans Know About The Politics Of Other Nations

It’s amazing how much foreigners know about American politics. Well, ok, it’s not that amazing because American politics actually counts for something, unlike most of the rest of the world. In contrast, Americans are relatively uninformed about how the rest of the world governs itself, but we do know a little, and here it is:

1. France.
A nation run by Frenchmen must neccesarily be arrogant, indolent and autocratic. Their political system is a complete mystery, but we do know that every once in a while they take one of their five-hour lunches off to have an election. We suspect they do this to break up the boredom of a life spent working less than two hours a day. It never seems to matter who gets elected. The French political system is divided into two parties:
a) Snooty Socialists who hate us a little.
b) Snotty Communists who hate us a lot.

Typical French Law: They’ll toss you in the Bastille for putting an english word on a sign or menu but they’ll let you torch Renaults all night long.

Law We Would Like To See: Mandatory weekly bathing.

2. Great Britain.
British politicians get more tail than an HIV Negative porn star. Their virility in their personal life is counterbalanced by utter impotence in their public lives. British politicians expend an enormous amount of energy to acheive nothing of any importance – the British political machine is a Jaguar tacched out at six thousand R.P.M. but chained to a tree. All their political parties have gone commie. They have a President who’s not really a President and acts like it. They have a congress that’s not really a congress which comports itself with all the dignity of drunken frat boys at a kegger. Their lawyers and judges wear wigs, which makes it impossible to take their legal system seriously, but since they arrest eight year old schoolgirls for saying “paki” yet force their police to get permission to enter muslim neighborhoods to arrest bomb makers, their laws don’t deserve to be taken seriously anyway. They have a Queen who owns most of the nation but has no power and will never, ever die. Her son is probably queer and posesses the incisive intellect of a decorative coypond, which is why she won’t die because that would make him King. His sons are the male equivalent of Paris Hilton but with less ambition. They will never have any power either.

Typical British Law: We’re not sure, but we think they recently adopted a law making Homosexuality mandatory.

Law We’d Like To See: Lowering of their top income tax bracket from 99% to 90%.

3. Canada.
Canadian politics are exactly the same as their society – a boring copy of the more interesting nations. If Orwell had set his novel “1984” in Canada the Nation would have been ruled by “Little Brother”. They have a universal healthcare system that assures Canadians can die on medical waiting lists for free. America ignores them completely and deservedly most of the time – unless a terrorist gets popped at the border. All our Hippies fled there in the sixties but found it so boring they all came back and went to jail rather than stay. They have a government of some sort but all it does is bitch about the USA and collect taxes. Every once in a while they have a scandal but nobody cares.

Typical Candian Law: They have laws there?

Laws We’d Like To See: Nope…drawing a blank here too…

4. Mexico
The Mexican Government is the political equivalent of Mardis Gras only with more booze, drugs and violence. A Mexican election is an enormous Pinata Party wherein each of the surviving four hundred Candidates promise to spill candy if only the voter would beat them into power. Drug Lords took over the nation a decade ago, making it more stable. They have elections, so they must also have some sort of law-making body but nobody really knows what it is, however since Mexico is a country which allows DonkeyLady shows and over-the-counter-heroin, this legislative body must be on permanent siesta. Mexican politics gives corruption a bad name.

Typical Mexican Law: Clean up your own corpses of you will be fined three hundred million billion pesos ($1.16).

A Law We’d Like To See: Outlawing killing of American Tourists within three miles of any resort.

5. Germany
Hitler spooked them so bad they are afraid to have a Government. Germany is to politics what reformed alcoholics are to drinking – preachy and sanctimonious, but underneath you know they’re jonesing for another little jolt of the hard stuff, which is why they occasionally pass laws banning free speech and stuff. They probably have a President or something like that. Germans make the best creepy communist terrorists.

Typical German Law: All their other laws are about beer.

A Law We’d Like To See: Any law other than beer.

6. Australia
Australian politics are what Great Britain’s might be if that nation hadn’t lost the will to live two decades ago. Australian chief executives are sometimes interesting, colorful blokes with whom one might enjoy a beer. One Prime Minister even got eaten by a Great White Shark, which is the third most common cause of death in that continent, after alcohol poisoning and being devoured by wild hogs. Australian chicks are hot – that’s not a political thing but it deserves to be mentioned. Australians have a government but they also have the decency to keep it to themselves.

Typical Australian Law: No vomiting on the Aborigines in State Parks.

A Law We’d Like To See: Mandatory Nude Beaches.

7. Russia
In 1917 Russia committed the political equivalent of a drunk driving accident and went Commie. One expects this sort of thing from a nation of alcoholics. In 1991 the bar tab got called and Russia fell into a two-decade political hangover. Now it’s being run by a different group of criminals. Russia was much less confusing when they were Commies. We sort of still think they are Commies because it’s easier that way. It would be really cool if they went back to being Commies, which they probably will soon if they haven’t already. Their President is named “Dracula” or something and he looks like a typical Bond Villain. Russian government corruption makes Mexico look like Sweden.

Typical Russian Law: Every Russian woman between the age of sixteen and seventy must make at least one internet porn video.

Law We’d Like To See: Mandatory porn law ages increased to eighteen and lowered to forty five.

8. Italy & Spain.
Are exactly the same nation, only in two different places. Their language is the same too – they’re only trying to fool you. Their governments are way too complicated in a thoroughly uninteresting way to bother understanding. Their chicks are hot blooded and buxom for about fouteen minutes between the ages of seventeen and eighteen, then they bloat up to seven hundred thousand kilogrammeter-something-or-other and spend the rest of their lives beating up their sallow, sparrow-chested men. Italy made sense when it was Rome. Spain made sense when they had the Inquisition, but in a bad way.

Typical Law: No more than two quarts of antifreeze to be added to every one barrel of wine.

Law We’d Like To See: We really don’t care. Do what you want. Salud!

9. Asia

Thoroughly alien in a creepy way. They say one thing, do another. Sometimes there’s fighting. No clue.

Typical Asian law: “Just smile and wave boys…just smile and wave…”

Law We’d Like To See: Stop eating animals we consider pets.

10. The Rest Of The World.
Is violent, primitive and scary as hell. The only nations not actively seeking to kill us are the ones too busy killing each other.

Typical Law: No violent slaughter on weirdo religious holiday unless that slaughter IS the religious holiday, in which case go ahead.

Law We’d Like To See: Stricter enforcement of anti-cannibalism stautes.

*********UPDATE: Note to the members of the Digitalspy.com forum – yes this is an Amercian site, in the general sense that it is owned by The Beast and he writes it from his den in the wilds of New Hampshire, east coast USA. User Sugarlips – glad you found it amusing. And yes, it is satire.  Silly satire.

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14 Comments

  1. Matthew Rich
    Posted April 28, 2007 at 4:15 pm | Permalink

    You forgot about Israel. They deserve their own entry outside of the rest of the world.

  2. Posted April 28, 2007 at 5:16 pm | Permalink

    Matthew, why don’t you do Israel right here in the comments section? If it’s funny The Beast will add it to his list.

  3. Doug
    Posted April 28, 2007 at 6:18 pm | Permalink

    Beast;

    You know what it’s liek when you are out fishing, and as you reeel in your lure you catch a glimpse of a big bass just about to swallow the bait??? Well I kinda feel like that bass, rising to the bait.

    You are correct in that many people outside of the USA know a fair bit about your politics, while Americans know little about other countries politics. BTW I’m constantly amazed how little so many Americans know about their own political system, that is revealed every day in political chat ( see impeachment threats, talk of separation of church and state vis a vis the Constitution) There is good reason for this, particularily in regards to my country, Canada, as we are pretty insignifigant as a world player, while America is the dominant player on the world stage. We are kinda like that runty little second cousin that would kinda like to get in the game with his big American cousin, but just doesn’t quite know what position to play, how to play it, and is a little tremulous at how badly he’ll get hurt.

    Having said that aaI’d like to draw a comparison between us up here and one of your states with approximately an equivalent population, that being California, or as it’s now called Galliforrrrnnya (thanks Arnold).

    We have BC the “wet” coast, full of immigrants, some from other parts of Canada, some from the USA, but most now from Asia, bringing their own languages and cultures, and great cuisines(projected to exceed the native population within 10 years BTW). Southern California… full of immigrants bringing their one culture, one language, and some kinda cuisine.. (can you say Montazuma?)

    One big difference.. for the most part our immigrants came here legally, in part because they would not wanna miss out on the free servise we extend to them as the set fot on Canadian soil.

    Then we have central Canada. Quebec and southern Ontario.. the hot bed of liberalism, looney ideas, and oh so moraly superior attitudes. Only to be out doen by northern California.. San Fransisco …liberal does not even come close to catagorizing the bay area (see NAMBLA). looney ideas??? you win hands down, while id od think southern Ontarians might have the edge on the “morally suoperior” attitude thingy.

    There is not enough time. or energy to fully discuss the foolishness coming out of these two parts of our countriess, suffice to say they are what they are, again kinda like the sibling that is a constant irritant and embarassment that you’d really liek to ummmmm straighten out.

    California has Death Valley. We have the maritimes.. the people that live there were born there, and have not yet figured how to get out.

    We have the frozen north, California has ummm oooohhh wait we win that one hands down.

  4. Posted April 28, 2007 at 8:19 pm | Permalink

    Hmm, my verdict is still out. I didn’t even raise a smirk.

    As for us, pretty much no one is ever eaten by a great white shark. Other sharks, very rarely, yes, but not great whites.

    One of our Prime Ministers went for a swim in the ocean and never cam back.

    No sharks were present.

  5. Posted April 28, 2007 at 8:22 pm | Permalink

    Oops, sorry Caz.

    The Beast was playing The Ugly American. Actually Australia got treated better than all the other nations, so that’s something, right?

  6. Posted April 28, 2007 at 8:27 pm | Permalink

    Doug,

    Thanks for the thoughtful post. The Beast lives on the opposite side of the continent to you, in New England and unfortunately close to Quebec. But it’s only an issue in the summer when they all trot down to the Maine beaches in their flourescent neon marblebag bikini bathing suits, rgardless of age, body type or build.

  7. Posted April 29, 2007 at 1:08 am | Permalink

    Hah! Very nice, Beast.

  8. Posted April 29, 2007 at 1:30 am | Permalink

    Pissed off a few auslanders.

  9. Cam from Australia
    Posted April 29, 2007 at 2:00 am | Permalink

    hey !
    Mate, as a real-life, fair dinkum, true blue Aussie……
    I gotta say, you hit the nail right on the head. We’re a complacent bunch, due largely to the fact that genetically, we have more beer than blood coursing through our veins.
    The only correction I’d like to make, is that Prime Minister Holt didn’t really become fish food. The beach he disappeared at is only about a 15 minute drive from my house, and although nobody knows the REAL facts behind his disappearance, conspiracy theories abound.
    Here’s an excerpt from a Federal government controlled news source (abc.net.au):
    On the 17th December 1967, Harold Holt, Prime Minister of Australia, went for a swim on Cheviot Beach near his holiday home at Portsea in Victoria. He disappeared beneath the waves and was never seen again. His companions raised the alarm, and what ensued was one of the largest search and rescue operations Australia has ever witnessed. Holt’s body was never found, fuelling many theories regarding his disappearance, ranging from suicide to abduction by a Chinese submarine.
    Personally, I think he fucked off with his 20yo Swedish girlfriend, and is happily munching enchiladas in Cd. del Carmen, MX.
    But my theories don’t count for much.
    Hey, sounds sweet, though!

  10. Posted April 30, 2007 at 12:24 am | Permalink

    Cam,

    He got et.

  11. Posted April 30, 2007 at 1:36 am | Permalink

    I enjoyed that post probably better than any other. THB gets better all the time.

  12. Posted April 30, 2007 at 3:24 am | Permalink

    Aw shucks, Dave!

  13. Posted May 1, 2007 at 4:09 pm | Permalink

    Great post Beast…I’d be interested in reading one about Africa.

  14. Posted May 1, 2007 at 4:23 pm | Permalink

    Thanks Goldbloom, why don’t you give it a try? The Beast is sure you’d produce a very amusing one.


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