It’s amazing how much foreigners know about American politics. Well, ok, it’s not that amazing because American politics actually counts for something, unlike most of the rest of the world. In contrast, Americans are relatively uninformed about how the rest of the world governs itself, but we do know a little, and here it is:
A nation run by Frenchmen must neccesarily be arrogant, indolent and autocratic. Their political system is a complete mystery, but we do know that every once in a while they take one of their five-hour lunches off to have an election. We suspect they do this to break up the boredom of a life spent working less than two hours a day. It never seems to matter who gets elected. The French political system is divided into two parties:
a) Snooty Socialists who hate us a little.
b) Snotty Communists who hate us a lot.
Typical French Law: They’ll toss you in the Bastille for putting an english word on a sign or menu but they’ll let you torch Renaults all night long.
Law We Would Like To See: Mandatory weekly bathing.
2. Great Britain.
British politicians get more tail than an HIV Negative porn star. Their virility in their personal life is counterbalanced by utter impotence in their public lives. British politicians expend an enormous amount of energy to acheive nothing of any importance – the British political machine is a Jaguar tacched out at six thousand R.P.M. but chained to a tree. All their political parties have gone commie. They have a President who’s not really a President and acts like it. They have a congress that’s not really a congress which comports itself with all the dignity of drunken frat boys at a kegger. Their lawyers and judges wear wigs, which makes it impossible to take their legal system seriously, but since they arrest eight year old schoolgirls for saying “paki” yet force their police to get permission to enter muslim neighborhoods to arrest bomb makers, their laws don’t deserve to be taken seriously anyway. They have a Queen who owns most of the nation but has no power and will never, ever die. Her son is probably queer and posesses the incisive intellect of a decorative coypond, which is why she won’t die because that would make him King. His sons are the male equivalent of Paris Hilton but with less ambition. They will never have any power either.
Typical British Law: We’re not sure, but we think they recently adopted a law making Homosexuality mandatory.
Law We’d Like To See: Lowering of their top income tax bracket from 99% to 90%.
Canadian politics are exactly the same as their society – a boring copy of the more interesting nations. If Orwell had set his novel “1984” in Canada the Nation would have been ruled by “Little Brother”. They have a universal healthcare system that assures Canadians can die on medical waiting lists for free. America ignores them completely and deservedly most of the time – unless a terrorist gets popped at the border. All our Hippies fled there in the sixties but found it so boring they all came back and went to jail rather than stay. They have a government of some sort but all it does is bitch about the USA and collect taxes. Every once in a while they have a scandal but nobody cares.
Typical Candian Law: They have laws there?
Laws We’d Like To See: Nope…drawing a blank here too…
The Mexican Government is the political equivalent of Mardis Gras only with more booze, drugs and violence. A Mexican election is an enormous Pinata Party wherein each of the surviving four hundred Candidates promise to spill candy if only the voter would beat them into power. Drug Lords took over the nation a decade ago, making it more stable. They have elections, so they must also have some sort of law-making body but nobody really knows what it is, however since Mexico is a country which allows DonkeyLady shows and over-the-counter-heroin, this legislative body must be on permanent siesta. Mexican politics gives corruption a bad name.
Typical Mexican Law: Clean up your own corpses of you will be fined three hundred million billion pesos ($1.16).
A Law We’d Like To See: Outlawing killing of American Tourists within three miles of any resort.
Hitler spooked them so bad they are afraid to have a Government. Germany is to politics what reformed alcoholics are to drinking – preachy and sanctimonious, but underneath you know they’re jonesing for another little jolt of the hard stuff, which is why they occasionally pass laws banning free speech and stuff. They probably have a President or something like that. Germans make the best creepy communist terrorists.
Typical German Law: All their other laws are about beer.
A Law We’d Like To See: Any law other than beer.
Australian politics are what Great Britain’s might be if that nation hadn’t lost the will to live two decades ago. Australian chief executives are sometimes interesting, colorful blokes with whom one might enjoy a beer. One Prime Minister even got eaten by a Great White Shark, which is the third most common cause of death in that continent, after alcohol poisoning and being devoured by wild hogs. Australian chicks are hot – that’s not a political thing but it deserves to be mentioned. Australians have a government but they also have the decency to keep it to themselves.
Typical Australian Law: No vomiting on the Aborigines in State Parks.
A Law We’d Like To See: Mandatory Nude Beaches.
In 1917 Russia committed the political equivalent of a drunk driving accident and went Commie. One expects this sort of thing from a nation of alcoholics. In 1991 the bar tab got called and Russia fell into a two-decade political hangover. Now it’s being run by a different group of criminals. Russia was much less confusing when they were Commies. We sort of still think they are Commies because it’s easier that way. It would be really cool if they went back to being Commies, which they probably will soon if they haven’t already. Their President is named “Dracula” or something and he looks like a typical Bond Villain. Russian government corruption makes Mexico look like Sweden.
Typical Russian Law: Every Russian woman between the age of sixteen and seventy must make at least one internet porn video.
Law We’d Like To See: Mandatory porn law ages increased to eighteen and lowered to forty five.
8. Italy & Spain.
Are exactly the same nation, only in two different places. Their language is the same too – they’re only trying to fool you. Their governments are way too complicated in a thoroughly uninteresting way to bother understanding. Their chicks are hot blooded and buxom for about fouteen minutes between the ages of seventeen and eighteen, then they bloat up to seven hundred thousand kilogrammeter-something-or-other and spend the rest of their lives beating up their sallow, sparrow-chested men. Italy made sense when it was Rome. Spain made sense when they had the Inquisition, but in a bad way.
Typical Law: No more than two quarts of antifreeze to be added to every one barrel of wine.
Law We’d Like To See: We really don’t care. Do what you want. Salud!
Thoroughly alien in a creepy way. They say one thing, do another. Sometimes there’s fighting. No clue.
Typical Asian law: “Just smile and wave boys…just smile and wave…”
Law We’d Like To See: Stop eating animals we consider pets.
10. The Rest Of The World.
Is violent, primitive and scary as hell. The only nations not actively seeking to kill us are the ones too busy killing each other.
Typical Law: No violent slaughter on weirdo religious holiday unless that slaughter IS the religious holiday, in which case go ahead.
Law We’d Like To See: Stricter enforcement of anti-cannibalism stautes.
*********UPDATE: Note to the members of the Digitalspy.com forum – yes this is an Amercian site, in the general sense that it is owned by The Beast and he writes it from his den in the wilds of New Hampshire, east coast USA. User Sugarlips – glad you found it amusing. And yes, it is satire. Silly satire.