You too can write like a loony conspiracy theorist!
Welcome to the THB Moonbat Writing Tutorial, M1. In this first lesson we will go over the style and content guidelines for writing like a true left-wing Blogger. You only need to learn a few simple rules and you can be up and howling at the moon like all your buddies!
Please read each rule carefully and complete the Sample Assignments below.
- The Moonbat Stylebook:
1. Rage Against the Dying of the Light.
Emotion is a perfectly acceptable alternative to reason. In fact, in most cases it’s preferable, because you don’t need to support emotion with facts. It does not matter if you make sense, since you probably won’t. Here is a list of acceptable emotions:
Example: “”You and the smarmy pundits in your pocket, who bathe in the moisture of your soiled and bloodstained underwear can take that noise and shove it!” – Sean Penn, Hollywood genius.
Sample Assignment 3. Fill in the appropriate words in the blanks provided: “Whenever I think of George Bush it makes me so __________ that I want to __________! I am__________ at the ___________ of this __________ who thinks he can get away with __________! I want to __________ his __________ing __________ until it __________!”
- 2. My Name Is ‘Legion’, For We Are Many.
In the Moonbat blogosphere men of goodwill can never agree to disagree, because the opponent is always the perfect embodiment of evil on the earth. His motives are never pure and his goal is always to to destroy freedom, equality and justice. If he is not Satan (too religious for many moonbats) then he is Hitler.
Example: “I submit to you that George Walker Bush is the ANTI-CHRIST. The violence and destruction that started when Bush first entered office, is likely to culminate in the apocalypse, just as predicted in the Bible, over 2,000 years ago.”
Sample Assignment 2. Complete the following sentence: “George Bush will never shave his head because underneath his hair he is hiding the __________ of the ___________!”
- 3.Tora! Tora! Tora!
Moonbat bloggers always begin on the attack and never let up. Quiet, reflective pieces are for pussies – you must always charge over the trenchtop with rhetorical bayonets drawn! Eternal attack has two major benefits – it makes you look smart and it keeps the focus on the other guy’s screw ups and not yours.
Example: “I cannot recall a single day since Vulcans’ Godfather James Baker sent his thuggish henchman John Bolton to Florida’s Palm Beach County to screw up the vote count that has not been filled with horror, anger, shame — despair…”
Sample Assignment 1. Complete the following topic sentence: “If I had to choose between eating dinner with George Bush or swimming five hundred laps in Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s Septic Tank, I would choose _____________!”
- 4. Slip-Sliding Away
The slope is always slippery. We are always on the verge of tumbling into a fascist pit. All new security laws, supreme court rulings, or anti voter-fraud initiatives are just a thinly disguised effort to establish the coming Christianist Totalitarian Theocracy. Don’t worry when none of these predictions come true, just keep making them – that’s the cool part about the future, it can be whatever you want it to be!
Example: ““The biggest threat to America today is not Communism, it’s moving America towards a fascist theocracy.”
– Frank Zappa, Crossfire, 1986 (Editor’s note: check out the date – twenty one* years ago!)”
*Corrected from the original post which said “nineteen years ago” – (so much for the math skills of English Majors)
Sample Assignment 4. George Bush is to America what:
a. Malaria is to Africa
b. Godzilla is to Tokyo
c. Jaws is to Bathers
d. Rush is to Oxycontin
e. All of the above
- 5. How Low Can You Go?
Think of the left-wing Blogosphere as Woodstock with rabies – it’s loud, it’s crowded, it’s loaded with Hippies but this time everybody’s taken the bad acid. Your voice can be easily lost in the cacaphony, so you have to work to get your share of attention. This means you must howl even louder than your neighbors. Make your wild claims wilder, make your profanity profaner! Rant and gibber, type in all caps! Provoke flame wars, make threats! There will be no consequences, until you try to get through that next job screening. But you didn’t want to work for those fascists anyway!
Example: “One thing I vow here and now—you motherf**kers who want to ban birth control will never sleep. I will f**k without making children day in and out and you will know it and you won’t be able to stop it. Toss and turn, you mean, jealous motherf**kers. I’m not going to be “punished” with babies. Which makes all your efforts a failure. Some non-procreating women escaped. So give up now. You’ll never catch all of us. Give up now.” – Former John Edwards Campaign Blogger Amanda Marcotte.
Sample Assignment 5. Essay Question: Think carefully about the statement and assignment below. Outline a response that develops and supports your own ideas. You have twenty-five minutes to write an essay on the given topic in the space provided on your answer sheet. If you write on any other topic, you will receive a score of zero and we will tell you to go f***k yourself.
- Activists from the Philly 9/11 Truth organization confronted arch-Neo-Con and torture advocate Alan ‘Mengele’ Dershowitz at a speaking event last week, causing his fake Christian Israeli-first vulture audience to boo and throw their toys out of the pram, shortly before security were called to drag the dissenters out of the building for the crime of asking a question.
The kind of people who attend these events, where media darling Neo-Cons are paid obscene amounts of cash to projectile vomit their establishment propaganda during extra-curricular hours, if not because they are forced to or they are protesting the aforementioned war whores, are fake Christians and Israeli-firsters who believe they’re all going to be raptured up into heaven when the Islamic hordes descend to destroy the earth.
In reality, they have about as much in common with Jesus as with Charlie Manson, and their putrid act of cheerleading for the architects of empire makes them complicit in the global genocide that goes with it.
Why is Alan Dershowitz such a racist, zionist piece of sh*t? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from what you have read, studied, or experienced.
This concludes THB Moonbat Writing Tutorial, M1. Please step away from your keyboard and go take your medications. Look for Module 2 in the near future. Thank you and good luck.