Nickelodeon Game Show “Figure It Out” – They’re all baked?

“Dad, they’re not taking this seriously.” The Beast’s son says contemptuously.

The Beast, lost in the Land O’ Drudge, looks up from his computer and at the TV. “Who?”

“Those guys on the panel. They’re not making any sense. It’s not fair to the girl.”

Ah. Nickelodeon is on. It’s February vacation week and the boy is watching a rerun of an old kids game show. There’s a four-person panel sitting behind a long, gaudy bench (two men in their 20’s and two teens – a redhaired young Danny Bonaduce clone and a chunky girl) shooting questions at a younger girl standing at a podium with the cute blonde host (who looks a bit old to be running a kid’s show but they have her dressed young. The Beast would guess the host’s age at about thirty). The contestant appears to have some sort of special skill which the panelists are trying to divine. It’s a retread of the old “What’s My Line?” game show obviously. But with a difference: this panel appears quite stoned.

Stoned? No, not a Nick kid’s show. The Beast’s first impression must be wrong. Let’s watch for a few minutes and look a bit closer.

Hmmm… droopy, dull eyes. Slack facial muscles, inability to track…No obvious redness of the sclera, but the eyes are quite glassy (Let’s face it – Visine can only do so much: it gets the red out, but it can’t do anything about the droopies or the giggles or the mental meandering stupids.).

These guys are cooked!

Ok so they are being silly, so what? It’s obvious that these panelists are supposed to be silly and entertaining, but it’s also obvious that they’re supposed to ask a few probing questions here and there. However, when you have just blown a spleef behind the studio during lunch, probing questions pretty much become impossible, so about all you can do is throw stuff around the stage and giggle imbecillically, which is what they are doing now. Even the ten year old son can tell something is not right, “Daddy, all four of them just asked the same stupid question in a row. They’re not even being funny!” he complains.

What to tell the boy? “Son, they’re not taking this thing seriously because they’re higher than Cheech and Chong at a Bob Marley concert!”

The Beast came of age in the late 70’s and early 80’s – he is no saint. He and his buddies attended more than one college class in an altered state, so he knows what that looks like. And he is looking at it right now – four clear blips on The old Dope Radar Screen.

Several years ago The Beast ran a manufacturing crew at a factory that periodically employed up to three hundred temporary workers at a time. Since most came out of what we will euphemistically call the “Casual Work Force”, many would disapper on break to come back exhibiting exactly the same behavior and appearance as these young panelists in this Nickelodeon Game show. Youngsters Stoned On The Job – seen it just about every day for the last fifteen years.

It may be improbable that a group of teens and twenty-somethings working in the z-list entertainment industry occasionally show up to work high, and it probably doesn’t matter that one or two later went on to careers playing in a rock and roll band. It is possible that red eyes and droopiness can be written off to the consequence of working a long day under harsh studio lights, grinding out show after show. Perhaps the buckets of green “Nick-slime” that are routinely dumped on their heads has excessive chlorine in it. The Beast cannot pretend to special knowlege or insight into the state of these young adults.

But they sure looked cooked to him. What to tell the boy?

The Beast stands up. “Lets go out and play in the snow, son.”



  1. freespiritedkev
    Posted February 27, 2007 at 8:08 pm | Permalink

    Ahh yes the glassy-eyed blank giggly after lunch look I’ve been both the perp and the receiver of it and no it well. What the obviouz conclusion to your witness of this television show is the marijuana is making a comeback. So much for the dare program. you did the right thing playing outside with the kid and turning off the television ahh if more parents did this we might actually raise responsible youths shhh dont tell the television people I said that they may come to my house and kidnapping for reprograming at NBC studios or someplace.

    So Say We All

  2. Posted February 27, 2007 at 8:52 pm | Permalink

    True enough kev, what ever happened to the good old days?

  3. Posted February 28, 2007 at 2:51 pm | Permalink

    From Phish, “Marijuana”

    Well once upon a time in 1776 Thomas Jefferson signed his name on a piece of marijuana, and this document was a symbol of freedom and of liberty, at least for the rich, white, gentry. And time marched along, this plant that I referred to has been used for everything from medicine to the American flag. And now it seems to me that somewhere along the way things got messed up, yeah, messed up, for marijuana.

    A gift of God to my brothers and me. Oh marijuana…the government wants to test me when I pee.

    Well some say a conspiracy, ? chemical and ? paper industries combined to kill the competition, government hysteria, monopoly, and conflict of interest, with total impunity. Yeah, so, if you don’t buy the conspiracy, just look at the reality that your tax dollars go to spray poison on the fields of a farmer in South America. And as an added bonus, your neighbor might be the proud recipient of that poison weed.

    [ Lyrics found on ]

    Oh marijuana…the government wants to test me when I pee. Oh marijuana…a gift of God to my brothers and me. Oh marijuana…you can’t legislate your own morality. Oh marijuana…the government wants to test me when I pee.

    Reefer madness, chronic sadness, what is the half-life of bad propaganda? The policies fail, denied bail, you made him a demon now pay for his trip to prison. Hard to promote the status quote, but what is the shelf life of bad legislation? The hypocrite smirks, it’s a moral disgrace as he reads from the law that was written about the same time that he had his last original thoughts. Men said he was dying and the nausea and the pain left him wasting away and unable to keep a meal down. So he tried everything prescription could obtain but to no avail. The side effects were worse than the pain. So now he breaks the law to use the one thing that seems to help him out. But the people say, “Oh he’s just gettin high.” Not to change the subject but, didn’t you ever wonder why getting high’s a crime. Yeah a crime.

    Oh marijuana…a gift of God to my brothers and me. Oh marijuana…now the government wants to test me when I pee. Oh marijuana…the government wants to test me when I pee. Oh marijuana…the government wants to test me when I pee. Oh marijuana…the government wants to test me when I pee. Oh marijuana…(this is the part where everybody would sing along) when I pee”

  4. Posted February 28, 2007 at 7:49 pm | Permalink


    Ok then…

  5. Teresa
    Posted June 25, 2007 at 10:01 pm | Permalink

    Marijuana is not by Phish. It is written/recorded by Brian Robbins. CD: Bannned in the State of Utah, check iTunes

  6. Teresa
    Posted June 25, 2007 at 10:02 pm | Permalink

    Awesome song, BTW

  7. Posted July 4, 2008 at 4:18 am | Permalink

    I think that it sucks because i hate it! i think that it is really boring

  8. Posted October 24, 2008 at 5:56 pm | Permalink

    Cheers, i’ve got photos of my new emo hair

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