DON’T PANIC, The World’s Still Going to End!

It must be hard to style yourself as a “Advocacy Movement” when your fortune relies solely on bad news. After all, nobody pays much attention to anti-war activists when there is no war, or when a war is being fought and won. Likewise, how much airtime does Jesse get when minorities aren’t rioting?

No, the sad fact is that sad facts sell, even if they have to be made up.mirrorm.jpg

Which is very odd when you consider that good news tends to make normal people happy and bad news makes them angry or miserable. But that’s normal people, not activists. It is possible to suppose that there exists somewhere an antimatter universe where right is wrong and good is bad, but the Beast always assumed such a place would be off in a distant paralell universe instead of Al Gore’s office.

Of course, you need a goatee to be from the antimatter universe, too.


The Wonderful World Of Fear.
The Con Man’s greatest fear is that he will be conned in return.

Leftist activist movements attract conspiracy theorists like deer attract ticks and (in an antimatter sense) this is perfectly normal. Unsophsticated, ordinary folk cling to the quaint conceit that proof should come before belief, but for the Activists belief is proof. The 911 attacks? A plot by Bushitler to become dictator. Plamegate? A plot by Bushitler to pay back her hubby for messing up his plot to become dictator. Iraq War? A plot by Bushitler to raise an army to aid in his becoming dictator.

One question: is Bushitler dictator yet?

No? Well he’d better hurry up, he’s only got two more years before he has to leave office.

At some point after The Beast posts this piece he will receive a comment or email from a Liberal who will point out that of course Bush is not a dictator yet, but he’s working towards it. Liberals always say that because they have to: the real threat is always somewhere off in the future – a check that’s always in the mail but never seems to arrive.

Perhaps this fetish for hidden agendas springs from a less-than-clear conscience. The left has learned to roll up the bitter socialist pill in a scrap of juicy steak to get it down our throats. Karl Marx claimed the future with his theory of Historical Materialism, but the left remains frightened that the Capitalists are going to steal it away. If liberals have a hidden agenda then why not the right wingers too?

Hence the future as boogeyman: Fascist Dystopia, Christianist Theocracy, Burning Nuclear Wasteland, Overheated Environmentally Collapsed Desert – pick your catastrophe, there’s a liberal Nostradamus for each.



  1. Posted February 14, 2007 at 11:59 pm | Permalink

    Sometimes I think the libs live in an alternate reality… you know the one where Spock has a beard & Kirk wears the shiny sash thing…

  2. Posted February 15, 2007 at 12:11 am | Permalink

    Yep, that was the point, hence the picture of Spock with the goatee in the post. Couldn’t find a pic of Kirk in the shiny sash.

  3. Posted February 16, 2007 at 12:43 pm | Permalink

    i have a goatee…

    anyway, but in this case i thought that denyin that global warming is man-made qualifies as the conspiracy, no?

  4. Posted February 16, 2007 at 3:31 pm | Permalink


    Merriam Webster dictionary defines a conspiracy theory as:

    conspiracy theory
    Function: noun
    A theory that explains an event or set of circumstances as the result of a secret plot by usually powerful conspirators.

    Since anthropogenic climate change skeptics do so quite publicly and in the process challege vast powerful international organizations and governments (often at risk of their livelihoods), The Beast does not beileve they meet the conspirator test. They are more akin to whistleblowers.

    Congrats on the goatee, The Beast had one once but it turned snowy white in his mid 30’s so ge got rid of it.

  5. frothingatlemouse
    Posted February 16, 2007 at 10:58 pm | Permalink

    I have a horrible fear that there will be no decent shoes to purchase after the apocalypse. Which will cause me to wander the landscape with bleeding heels and a taste for shoe blood. Of course, that will allow me to start the next great shoe dynasty, forging footwear out of metal scraps and fried body parts. I’m taking orders.

  6. Posted February 16, 2007 at 11:55 pm | Permalink

    Frothy – can you do those in a stilleto, a court shoe, and a smart pair of runners please? I actually much prefer dead animal skins, but, hey, you’ve got to work with the materials at hand I s’ppose.

  7. frothingatlemouse
    Posted February 17, 2007 at 12:02 am | Permalink

    I’d love to do the court shoe and the stilleto. The runner,eh. Unless I can make it a slide. I can paste some roadkill onto the sides-we’ll avoid the residual peta folks.

  8. Posted February 17, 2007 at 3:14 am | Permalink

    What are you two talking about? “Court” “Stiletto” “Runner” “Roadkill” – sounds like the OJ Trial…

  9. Posted February 17, 2007 at 8:39 am | Permalink

    The Alien and Sedition acts took less than two weeks to pass through Congress in 1798. 😉

  10. frothingatlemouse
    Posted February 17, 2007 at 10:21 pm | Permalink

    I shall never reveal the significance of “court”, “stilletto”, “runner, “roadkill”. The meanings are myriad and of course laden with conspiracy worms. Kitten heel. Mule. heh

  11. Posted February 18, 2007 at 8:32 am | Permalink

    “as the result of a secret plot by usually powerful conspirators”

    Beast, this refers to the theory, not to who puts the theory forward. so the fact that man-made global warming skeptics are not doing it in secret, and are not powerful (which, by the way, it’s controversial) does not matter. what matters is whether they claim that there is a secrect conspiracy behind climate change arguments.

    and many do make the claim that the scientific community is fooling us so that they can get more and more funding, and things like that

  12. freespiritedkev
    Posted February 21, 2007 at 2:10 pm | Permalink

    Hey Beast,

    Nice blog love the spock with the goatee. But you also shouldve posted the evil david hasselhoff from the 80’s show knight rider as well.

    Its not just a theory its factevil twins always have a mustache with the exception of the Bender character in the Matt Groenig short lived cartoon series there the bearded Bender was actually the good one LOL.

  13. Posted February 21, 2007 at 4:20 pm | Permalink


    Let us not forget that the first incarnation of evil amtimatterverse doppelgangers appeared on an episode of “Lost In Space”, with evil Dr. John Robinson and evil Maj. Don West, both of whom sported goatees as well. There was also a South Park version of anti-Cartmann who, like Bender, was also good.

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