One of The Beast’s friends used to work at a psychiatric hospital and has some very funny stories about life in the loony bin. This is the best so far:
The Two Napoleons
One day the ward received a new patient who thought he was Napoleon. This was a big problem because they already had a Napoleon on the ward and the staff worried that he would not take kindly to a competitor. To prevent friction they decided to just keep them away from each other. This turned out to be quite complicated but with some careful scheduling and a lot of oversight, the confrontation was avoided for weeks.
Unfortunately, even the best juggler drops a plate sooner or later.
One afternoon as the old Napoleon was being brought back from dinner he ran into the new Napoleon in the hall. Naturally they did not know each other so the old Napoleon asked him who he was.
“I’m Napoleon.” the new patient said.
The old Napoleon was shocked. “You can’t be Napoleon – I’M NAPOLEON!” he shouted.
The new guy held firm. “No you’re not.” he said. “I’m Napoleon.”
The old Napoleon leaped on the new Napoleon and a scufffle enused. Alerted by the screaming, the staff ran over and separated the two. Flushed with rage, the old Napoleon sneered at the new guy, stuggling in the grasp of two orderlies. “Who the hell TOLD you that you’re Napoleon?” he demanded.
The new guy was ready for that. “GOD told me!”
Suddenly a voice from a room across the hall boomed “I DID NOT! Now shut the hell up I’m trying to watch tv!”