Dear readers, please welcome The Beast’s profane alter ego Mongeaux. His existence predates us by three years and today he will entertain you by explaining the process by which this blog came into existence. WARNING – he’s evil and he swears a lot. His writing usually begins on topic but typically degenerates into a profane rant.
Blogs That Suck
When I first considered putting up a Blog I had to do a lot of soul-searching. There are, by my estimate, about fourty-four GAZILLION suck-ass Blogs out there (as of this publishing date) so how the fuck could this world possibly benefit by one more?
This dilemma was enough to keep me from squeezing my own blog out my intellectual spincter muscle and into the internet toilet bowl for almost three years. Seriously. I didn’t know what kind of Blog I wanted to write, but I definitely knew what kind I DIDN’T.
1. Spam Blogs:
There are many Bloggers who hatch multiple Blogs as casually as a swamp breeds mosquitoes. They think nothing of launching ten, twenty, even forty blogs in a year. They fill these blogs with advertisements and cut/pasted wikipedia entries masquerading as original content just to get on Google and sift the datastream for hits at a few pennies a pop. We all know these Blogs – we step into them like piles of dogshit every day. These nasty, greedy fuckers should gag on their dietary-staples of Charms blow-pops and generic cigarettes, thrash around in their semen-stained office chairs and collapse blue-faced into a puddle of cheez-whiz on their filthy, popcorn-littered cheap carpeted floor. Since all their friends are online cyber-losers like themselves their partially liquefied remains will be discovered six weeks later when their landlord realizes that the horrendous stench in their apartment hall is not a backed up sewer line.
If there is a God.
Pros: Sometimes there’s naked ladies.
Cons: Sometimes there’s viruses.
2. Blogs About Blogs.
We Bloggers are a vain group of useless shut-ins who love to read about ourselves because it fuels our delusions of grandeur. Blogging Blogs pander to that vanity by doing pretty much exactly what I’m doing now. Are you not amused?
Pros: Easy to avoid.
Cons: Sometimes they’re right.
3. Diary Blogs.
Ok so you got up today and had eggs with bacon, then fought with your boyfriend for an hour. He’s an asshole. Who gives a shit? Diary Blogs are for only the deepest narcissists or the most incredibly bored housewives on the planet. Do something useful and start banging random delivery boys or your son’s high school football team! Here’s an alien concept: maybe your domestic drama isn’t the slightest bit interesting to anyone other than you and your mom!
Here’s another: maybe your mom is only pretending to give a shit too!
Pros: Sometimes they post pictures of their tits.
Cons: Sometimes they post picture of their cocks.
4. Rabid Political Blogs.
Liberals: you are now officially banned from using the following words
You assholes are so consumed with hate you’d rather throw the whole goddamn nation to the Arabs just to give Bush a black eye. Before you start mouthing off about how everybody you don’t like is a “Nazi”, you ignorant proto-hippies need to read some history (the REAL shit, not those PC rags that devote a whole page to The First Negro Woman Aviator but then leave out The Fucking Wright Brothers because they ran out of room in the goddamn book) and find out what a Nazi actually IS. Here’s a new idea – if you love the common folk so much maybe you should stop treating us like mongoloids you elitist asswipes! Here’s another – Instead of taking bong-hits of fake comedy news from The Daily Show and exhaling your moist resinous opinions all over the blogosphere, maybe you should watch some real news and get a fucking clue before you embarass yourselves in front of the entire goddamn world! Better yet, get out of the pinko classrooms, take a real job doing actual work for an actual wage for a change and get the FUCK off my goddamn internet.
Pros: You abort your kids, so your numbers are plummeting.
Cons: Those of you not forcefully coverted to Allah when the filthy Arabs take over will be killed last.
Conservatives: you are banned from using the following words
You fucking Conservatives blew it in Iraq and now we’re screwed so bad the peace morons are actually making progress in our society! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING? Your sticky-fingered greed screwed up the Congress. You rake in trillions while outsourcing jobs to illiterate savages in foreign shitholes, starving the workers in this country and your profits soar while our wages sink. Get off the internet, go back to your winter home in the bahamas and butt-fuck your maid. Don’t forget to tip her twelve cents when you’ve finished.
Pros: You kill lots of fillthy Arabs.
Cons: You kill lots of American Soldiers.
6. Tech/IT/Zipperhead Blogs.
And you thought that nobody gave a flying fuck about Diary Blogs? Cross-platform Core Kernel compiler issues in BLOVID 2.75? What the fuck are you talking about? More importanly, when are you ever going to actually leave your desk and kiss a girl you pointy-headed-geek-transsexual-porn-loving dickwad??
Pros: Good Shareware
Cons: Useless programs that fuck up your hard drive.
7. Business Blogs
Holy shit, where is my gun…? A BLOG for BUSINESSES? What the FUCK do you need a BLOG for? And who the HELL would ever read it? Blogs are for regular people who can’t afford to buy a professionally designed web page. People like real blogs better than YOUR web site because real blogs actually have some entertainment value every once in a while. Go ahead, write a blog. Waste more money, I don’t give a shit there’s plenty of Ramen noodles to go around for your hourly employees.
Pros: Coupons for shit.
Cons: You have to read the shit to find them.
8. Everything Else
Sucks. Screw you all I’m going to the bar.