Torture? Gitmo’s got it easy.

You think the so-called torture at GITMO is bad? Forget waterboarding!

This is much worse.

Every year, thousands if not millions, of women voluntarily submit themselves to a beauty treatment so foul, so medeival, so unimaginably painful-looking that Torquemada himself would shudder to see it.

It’s called the “Body Wax”.

Apparently, heavily-forested pudendas are out of fashion. Thanks, in part to standards established by the burgeoning porn industry, triangular groinal areas have skrunken steadily. From the 1980’s “Landing strips” to the 1990’s “Exclamation points”, they have now devolved to “Empty Hottops”. Bare is in.

How is this bareness achieved? The women probably already know, but for the men in the audience we offer this simple description:.

A woman uncovers the lower half of her body and lies naked on a table. Some fiend applies a piece of cloth or paper to her pubis, smears wax on it, then RIPS it off, taking along all the hair underneath. Yes, the pubic hair is literally RIPPED OUT BY THE ROOTS!

Take a moment to collect yourselves, guys.

As in any torture there are various degrees. The “Bikini wax”, for example, is a procedure limited to the areas outside a typical bathing suit bottom. But as the size of the suit bottom shrinks, the overall acreage of the waxing grows, until it reaches a penultimate level exemplified by the nightmarishly euphemistic word “Brazillian”.

The “Brazillian” takes it all. Every follicle, in every crack and crevice, no matter how hidden or tender. The Hairy Holocaust leaves no survivors.

Why would anybody submit to a procedure that clearly violates the standards of decent society? Forget waterboarding, if we did this to terrorists the bleeding hearts at The International Red Cross and Amnesty International would be making human protest-pyramids in front of the Gitmo Gates!

On the other hand, why not? The terrorists at Guantanmo Bay have gained an average of twenty pounds apiece – maybe they need something to make them feel pretty again. The Beast suggests a full-body wax from shoulders to toes.

We could call it “The Cuban”.

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12 Comments

  1. Rue-Mur
    Posted October 3, 2006 at 7:25 pm | Permalink

    A “reilable source” informs me that the wax goes on first, then the cloth or paper, then “R I P”! Otherwise, you seem to have it perfectamundo!

  2. Posted October 3, 2006 at 7:38 pm | Permalink

    Rue:

    Thank you so much for setting The Beast straight on that.

    Um, just how reliable is this “reliable” source?

  3. dragonlady474
    Posted October 3, 2006 at 9:36 pm | Permalink

    OMG…I would never be able to do that! My eyes tear up when I pluck my eyebrows.

  4. Posted October 3, 2006 at 9:42 pm | Permalink

    dragonlady474

    Would you do it to terorists? 🙂

  5. Posted October 3, 2006 at 11:40 pm | Permalink

    I would wax the terrorist! I’d apply the wax myself & I’d get the anal area too while I was at it, otherwise they’d be off balance. Then maybe I’d pluck all of their underarm hairs. Hell we could just give them the FULL body wax! Beast I think you’re onto something here…and I like the “cuban”…LOL

  6. Posted October 3, 2006 at 11:44 pm | Permalink

    Goldbloom:

    It is a well known fact that the worst thing an army could do to a prisoner was hand him over to the camp women.

  7. "Reliable Source"
    Posted October 4, 2006 at 9:17 am | Permalink

    Indeed, there are many ways to wax radical “Fidels” (the opposite of “Infidels” –the Good Guys). With or without cloth/paper matters not, cloth/paper first or last matters not, suggest that all methods should be tried, variety is the spice of life. Fidels love variety. Understand their favorite handbook on “How To Kill Americans by O’Samie B. Laddie” has over 50,000 ways to kill infants and pregnant women.

    PS: You really need to start from the toes and work up. By the time you get to their upper lip they’ll tell you everything they ever said or did; something about heaven, having hair on their lip, and virgins in the afterlife.

  8. Posted October 4, 2006 at 2:51 pm | Permalink

    “Reliable Source”

    The Hairy Beast cannot help but wonder if the Seventy-two Virgins are waxed as well. Having to go through that crap does not seem like much of a heavenly reward to him, but then again, having slimy dead terrorists drooling all over you doesn’t either.

  9. Posted October 4, 2006 at 11:53 pm | Permalink

    Extremely reliable source is right – wax first then cloth/paper strip.

    It’s not just a gal phenomenon. Increasing numbers of guys (esp. Generation Xers) willingly submit themselves to pubic waxing. Apparently, it makes their ‘obelisque’ look bigger. I guess every (delusioned) micromillimeter counts down there…!

  10. dragonlady474
    Posted October 4, 2006 at 11:58 pm | Permalink

    I brought up your idea to my CJ professor today, but I don’t think he thought it was a good idea. lolol

  11. Posted October 6, 2006 at 11:41 am | Permalink

    ohhhh…muahahahaha …oh, my God …Just a minute…I try stop laughing… Yes, here we go. I agree, we go and do this to the terrorists.By the way…I have often wondered when it come to SM-sex… When does it become sadistic enough to them to file a case?

  12. Posted October 6, 2006 at 11:42 am | Permalink

    ohhhh…muahahahaha …oh, my God …Just a minute…I try stop laughing… Yes, here we go. I agree, we go and do this to the terrorists.By the way…I have often wondered when it come to SM-sex… When does it become sadistic enough to them to file a case? When is their integrity violated?


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