Two Thousand Dollars Worth of Chinese Food Part 1.

Stories should begin with a snappy opening line, but I’m breaking that tradition because this one is about my mercifully three-years-dead marriage and I can’t find a sufficiently apocalyptic metaphor to describe it. I could, for example, compare my unholy matrimonial union to the crash of the German Zeppelin Hindenburg in 1937 and get it right for the sense of horror and sheer destruction that accompanied that disaster. But for it to truly represent my marriage, the doomed zeppelin would have burn, crash and then float back up into the air and crash at least fifty more times. And even though it’s silly, it would come much closer to representing the panoply of crises my then-wife plunged me into (at sporadic moments) all throughout the decade in which we were manacled together, than just a single, paltry historical event.

Maybe the reason I can’t find a metaphor is that none of them are good enough. Why do I have to compare my marriage to some historical horror, when it was horrible enough on its own? Maybe the best way to convey the true scale of this personal disaster is to just tell it, flat out, warts and all.

This will be done in a series of vignettes and continue for as long as I remain disgruntled and bitter. There will be no set chronological order to the stories – they will bubble to the surface whenever the Bile rises in me. Readers who are feeling adventurous can check out the first in my marital horror series: Hungover On Judge Judy, in which I am humiliated in front of the entire world via Syndicated Television.

Our second tale begins several years earlier, when I came home one night after work to discover my kitchen table covered with…

click here to continue to story

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13 Comments

  1. dragonlady474
    Posted August 17, 2006 at 10:12 pm | Permalink

    Beastie man, you have a way with words lol. Can’t wait for part 2.

  2. Posted August 17, 2006 at 10:17 pm | Permalink

    The Hairy beast has fangs and isn’t afraid to use them. πŸ™‚

  3. Posted August 18, 2006 at 8:36 am | Permalink

    Beast your stories crack me up…then I feel guilty. Is it wrong to laugh at someone else’s misery?

    Are you writing these stories from the prison you were sent to after murdering your wife? πŸ™‚

  4. Posted August 18, 2006 at 2:21 pm | Permalink

    mrsjosegoldbloom:

    If it brings a single smile to a solitary face,

    If it clears the ashen clouds of doom to allow a tiny shaft of sparkling sunshine into a bleak, bitumous day for just an instant,

    If it eventually transports a single buck into The Beast’s otherwise unfulfilled pocket,

    The pain will have been worth it.

  5. dragonlady474
    Posted August 18, 2006 at 3:01 pm | Permalink

    You went out for that loaf of bread didn’t ya?

  6. Posted August 18, 2006 at 3:33 pm | Permalink

    Beast,

    I wanted to comment on this post “https://hairybeast.wordpress.com/robosapien-mixes-a-robo-rita/” which I stumbled upon via my blog’s dashboard, but I couldn’t figure out how, or even find the durn thing again. Anyway, I thought I was the boredest man in the world but in you I may have a little competition. Keep up the good work, I think.

  7. Posted August 18, 2006 at 3:37 pm | Permalink

    J,

    The Hairy Beast was still editing it when you saw it. Try again and you will be able to comment to yourhearts desire.

  8. dragonlady474
    Posted August 18, 2006 at 7:36 pm | Permalink

    Part 2!! Must write part 2!! πŸ™‚

  9. Posted August 18, 2006 at 9:03 pm | Permalink

    Part 2 is done, just needs a final proof.

  10. dragonlady474
    Posted August 18, 2006 at 10:51 pm | Permalink

    woohoo! wuhahaha … this will be good.

  11. Posted August 19, 2006 at 9:00 am | Permalink

    Is it done yet…Huh,huh,huh…Are we there yet?

  12. Posted January 7, 2007 at 2:56 am | Permalink

    Array

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