by The Hairy Beast
August 15, 2006
WASHINGTON – Bowing to pressure from activist groups across the country, the Nation’s law enforcement agencies — including the FBI and The Department of Homeland Security — announced today that they will end all profiling activities in this country, beginning September 10, 2006.
DHS Director Michael Chertoff, speaking at a press conference, said “Our current policy of random checks has been reasonably succesful at keeping America’s airports and other transportation venues safe, but it has come at the cost of hurt feelings among certain groups. So we have decided to exempt those people from checks.”
Airport security personnel have been instructed to check only White People and Asians, preferably blonde, female and over the age of fifty or under ten years old. Young Muslim males of Middle Eastern, North African or Indonesian extraction will not be searched or questioned under any circumstance.
“Security is not just the emotional comfort of being able to fly to your destination with a reasonable expectation that your plane will not be blown out of the sky by a terrorist bomb.” Chertoff said. “Security also means you do not have to worry about people looking at you funny or making you feel uncomfortable, just because 99% of terrorists happen to belong to your ethnic, religious, or gender group.”
The FBI has also announced, in a press release put out later in the day, that ethnicity, nationality and gender will no longer be used to alert police to fugitives or suspects.
“In the past it was our policy to release descriptions of suspects as: (for example) ‘African American Male, approximately 6’1, 230 pounds’. In the future the description will go: ‘Non-specific Individual, 6’1, 230 pounds.'”
“This may not help us catch more criminals, but it will make some folks feel better, and feeling good is very important in this country.”