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The Drunkard’s Guide To Online Chat (NC-17)

It is a great tragedy that, while the Government imposes severe and generally reasonable penalties for driving drunk, they have not yet seen fit to protect society from an equally scurrilous and self destructive activity: Surfing While Intoxicated.

SWI claims untold victims every day and yet nobody does anything about it! I think it is time to break the silence, and in spirit the of social welfare I offer the following thoughts.

Let us set the scene: you have all but emptied the bottle of dry Vermouth you resorted to once you realized that all the rum was gone. You are eyeing the cooking sherry next. The air in your room has assumed the deep, ponderous, crystalline quality that comes with profound inebriation and you lurch about it like a deckhand working his way along a corridor in a storm-wallowing ship. You plop into your computer chair and boot up Windows, closing one eye to discern the text crawling across the screen. It’s time to share your brilliance with The World. What should you do?

Well, obviously you should go to bed and sleep it off. But that’s not going to happen is it? So what else?

1. Contact Family and Friends. Now is not a good time to email Mom and tell her she’s a Rotten Bitch for not getting you that G.I. Joe you wanted on Christmas Day 1972. However it is an excellent time to tell the Ex wife you banged all her best friends. Do it and you will feel better – until she contacts you tomorrow.

2. Make New Friends. Ever wonder what really goes on in that repulsive chat room you always skitter past in disgusted horror? Check it out! Maybe it’s not so bad!

3. Buy LOTS of Crap! That $1,500 Bowflex can give you abs like a sheet of dinner rolls. GET IT! Hold on….why work for them when for another grand you can buy surgical Implants! Make the appointment!

4. Get Into Fights. Those assholes don’t know shit. You tell em! If they don’t like it, they can come over and see! Here’s your address, you’ll be waiting!

5. Write your Senator. He’s a liar and a thief and you are going to come over to his office tomorrow and whip his butt. He will respect you for saying that. You might even get into the newspaper.

6. Your Boss Couldn’t Manage A Turd Into a Paper Bag. It’s time he heard some harsh truths, and you have plenty to share!

7. Love Is In The Air. And all she needs is your credit card number! Or is it “he”?

8. Buy LOTS MORE Crap! What are rock hard abs without dinner plate pecs? Get em – you deserve it!

9.Meet Exotic People From Crappy Cultures.Ask the Arab dude when was the last time a Muslim army managed to do anything but get slaughtered by a Christian one. Suggest they are better at buggering than soldiering. Try to get him to sell you one of his female relatives. Wait for him at the door after you give him your address too.

10. Stagger to the Toilet Flushed With Victory.Flush twice and brush your teeth afterwards – tomorrow will be a busy day!

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