What Americans Know About The Politics Of Other Nations, Part Two

Due to the staggering popularity of W.A.K.A.T.P.O.O.N. part one, The Beast has decided to bow to reader requests and add several more nations to the list. He had thought originally that ten was a nice round number, but you want more.

11. Israel.
A nation which confounds the stereotype of the meek, skinny, bookish Hebrew Kid who always gets picked last for touch football at recess, Americans have no idea how the Israeli political system works, but they do know that if you mess with them, they will give you a quick death wholesale. Israel does not dick around and Americans admire that. Terrorists blowing up border towns? Build a wall. Terrorists drop rockets into an Israeli village? Flatten their hideouts. Israel produced the Uzi and the Desert Eagle .44 and .357 handguns.

Nuff said!

Typical Israeli Law: Kill our enemies.

Law We’d Like To See: Kill lots more of your enemies.

12. Africa
In the 1980’s South Africa was the perfect embodiment of evil. Now it’s ok. The rest of the continent is mired in a noxious quagmire of internecine ethnic, tribal and religious slaughter. Of course, it’s all our fault, somehow – Bono and that Methhead tranny-looking Geldof guy says so, and you know how much has-been rockers know about geopolitics and economics and stuff. So believe them. Africans practise politics “king-of-the-hill” style, but the hill is made up of dead bodies. For some reason, the Africans who starve to death always live in the middle of deserts, where there is no food – only sand. The late Sam Kinnison suggested we deal with this by sending them trucks to take them out of the Desert to places where the food ACTUALLY IS! Why they do not come to this realization on their own is the greatest mystery of African politics and Americans are still waiting for Ms. Geldof to explain it to us.

Typical African Law: “KILL! kill! kill the hated _____________’s!”

Law We’d Like To See: Deserts declared “No Trespassing” zones.

13. Sweden.
Is a nation that supported itself entirely on porn. Famous for its tall, willowy blondes and confiscatory socialism, Sweden enjoyed a halcyon couple of decades cranking out Erotica and doing whatever the hell else there is to do in that snowy hellhole. Then the Muslims crashed the party and took a dump in their collective punchbowl. Now there’s crimes and rapes just like everywhere else, only the Swedes are too domesticated to do much more than bleat plaintively at the wolves as they circle in for yet another kill. In ten years Sweden will be renamed “Swedstanistan” and the world will mourn the loss of their high quality porn forever.

Typical Swedish Law: No public sex in school zones.

Law We’d Like To See: Mandatory viewing of H.G. Well’s “The Time Machine” at schools, with special attention devoted to the “Morlocks” and “Eloi“.

14. Switzerland
A nation of bankers who sold their collective soul to the Nazi’s for six million gold teeth, Switzerland is a country that has its own cheese but not its own language. Americans know utterly nothing about their politics, but nobody else does either so it doesn’t matter. The cheese is good, but the instant coco sucks.

Typical Swiss Law: “Finders-keepers.”

Law We’d Like To See: Death penalty for yodeling.

15. South/Central America.
See #12, Africa. But with hotter, less monkey-based food. And with food.

16. Poland.
The Badminton Birdie of Eastern Europe, the Poles had it tough. When Hitler invaded Polish cavalry charged the Wehrmacht on horseback. Poland lasted a little longer than France against the Germans, which is a testament to the gallantry of their horses. Stalin took Poland over at the end of the war, which was pretty bad luck for Stalin. Poland was the first nation to fight its way free of the Soviet Union starting in 1981, when the Poles suddenly realized they were communists. In recent news, a 747 crashed in a cemetery in Poland. Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies. Poland produced one hell of a good Pope.

Typical Polish Law: One extra year in jail for Polish Loan Sharks who loan out money and are caught skipping town to avoid the debt.

Law We’d Like To See: Mandatory electrical generators for Polish malls – the last time there was a power outage, patrons were stuck on the escalators for eighteen hours.

17. The Rest Of Eastern Europe.
Still political and economic basket cases from fifty years of Soviet oppression, Eastern European nations will sell anything or anybody to anybody. You can purchase an entire village for the price of a double low-fat soy latte and a basket of rutabagas. Some Eastern European nations were so happy at their new-found freedom they celebrated with an orgy of gleeful internal genocide, the nature of which was so alien and complex the West didn’t know who to root for or whom to hate. Europe was so paralyzed with concern they almost did something about it! A simple parade would probably have been better.

Typical Eastern European Law: Tax breaks to attract more film crews to make more cheap, crappy vampire flicks for the Scifi Network.

Law We’d Like To See: More English language signs pointing to Dracula’s Castle.

19 Comments

  1. Andre the Defiant
    Posted May 1, 2007 at 7:02 pm | Permalink

    Well done.

    It amazes me that someone who writes so well, and has such great taste in pop culture, can be so wrong about almost eveything when it comes to politics. :)

  2. Posted May 1, 2007 at 7:16 pm | Permalink

    Andre,

    The Beast is from one of those creepy 380-year old WASP New England seaport families – his great-great-great grandfather was a sea captain who was killed in a mutiny by his own crew (he must have been a real prick). Beast humor springs from that privileged white-boy wellspring, as does his politics. They are inseparable. Can you imagine this series written by a lefty? Only Republicans can dream up jokes this insensitive.

    But thanks for the compliment. The Beast has been at this rightwing blog for half a year now and he is proud that liberals visit and enjoy it. To-date he has not had a single hate comment from any reader.

    But then again, the number of people who read his blog are roughly equivalent to the post-Vampire population of Salem’s Lot.

    As for his taste in pop culture, don’t be so sure. The Beast considers this to be the highest artistic acheivement of the 20th Century. #2 would be the song “Seasons In The Sun” by Terry Jacks, 1971.

  3. Posted May 2, 2007 at 12:34 am | Permalink

    I don’t think members of the Left even have a sense of humor. It’s hard to get a laugh in when you are burning American flags, carrying giant puppets, cheering Al Sharpton and chanting that Bush is Hitler.

  4. Posted May 2, 2007 at 1:33 am | Permalink

    Does it make me a bad person because I laughed my ass off at that? Ok, screw it, I’m a bad person!

    The Poland entry alone was worth the price of admission :)

    Classic.

  5. Posted May 2, 2007 at 4:01 am | Permalink

    You have forgotten MEEEEE …. What do Americans know about MEEE??? I mean … I do mean something … or do I mean somthing?? :)>-
    >-)

  6. Andre the Defiant
    Posted May 2, 2007 at 4:01 am | Permalink

    Yes we have a sense of humor Dave… We have the Daily Show and The Colbert Report, The Chappelle Show, Robin Williams, Eddie Izzard, and above all Lewis Black…

    You guys have The Half Hour Comedy Hour.

    I can honestly say, THB is a breath of fresh air.

  7. Andre the Defiant
    Posted May 2, 2007 at 4:03 am | Permalink

    And I’m loathed to admit this, but the Desert Eagle is one of the few guns I have fired in my life…

    Wow. Loved it.

  8. Posted May 2, 2007 at 9:18 am | Permalink

    LOL…beast I think part 2 was even better than part 1. I just loved the Poland bit, but I think the African bit was my favorite. “KILL! kill! kill the hated _____________’s!” LOL

    I think it’s nice that you have a site here where the liberals and the conservatives can get together and play nice.

  9. Posted May 2, 2007 at 2:25 pm | Permalink

    Kirsten,

    Your blog says you are in Egypt, so the Beast will add that nation to the list. Ask and ye shall receive.

    Just please, don’t let your brothers get so pissed off by the entry that they come to America and and saw off the Beast’s head.

    Deal?

  10. Posted May 2, 2007 at 4:09 pm | Permalink

    Goldbloom,

    Everybody seems to like Poland best. The Beast is a bit guilty about that entry because he had to include three jokes he did not write. But how could one craft a humorous bit about Poland and leave out Polish Jokes? Impossible!

  11. Posted May 2, 2007 at 4:11 pm | Permalink

    Andre,

    Conservatives are funny, but the Beast really doubts that in this climate they are very welcome in the entertainment industry. Note that Comedy Central has two humor news shows and both are of a decidedly Liberal bent. This is not an accident is it?

  12. Posted May 2, 2007 at 4:13 pm | Permalink

    Scribe,

    Yes you are a bad person, as is the Beast. But what have we to lose, since we are the very embodiment of evil anyway?

  13. Posted May 2, 2007 at 4:15 pm | Permalink

    Sage,

    Liberals do have a sense of humor, but only about a few topics. Imus, for example, was beloved by the left because he was free to joke about what they all really think. They gave him a collective pass – a dispensation, if you will, until Sharpton and his ilk yanked it out from under him.

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3 Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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