Guest Blogger – Mongeaux On “Blogs That Suck”

Dear readers, please welcome The Beast’s profane alter ego Mongeaux. His existence predates us by three years and today he will entertain you by explaining the process by which this blog came into existence. WARNING – he’s evil and he swears a lot. His writing usually begins on topic but typically degenerates into a profane rant.

Blogs That Suck

By Mongeaux

When I first considered putting up a Blog I had to do a lot of soul-searching. There are, by my estimate, about fourty-four GAZILLION suck-ass Blogs out there (as of this publishing date) so how the fuck could this world possibly benefit by one more?

This dilemma was enough to keep me from squeezing my own blog out my intellectual spincter muscle and into the internet toilet bowl for almost three years. Seriously. I didn’t know what kind of Blog I wanted to write, but I definitely knew what kind I DIDN’T.

1. Spam Blogs:
There are many Bloggers who hatch multiple Blogs as casually as a swamp breeds mosquitoes. They think nothing of launching ten, twenty, even forty blogs in a year. They fill these blogs with advertisements and cut/pasted wikipedia entries masquerading as original content just to get on Google and sift the datastream for hits at a few pennies a pop. We all know these Blogs – we step into them like piles of dogshit every day. These nasty, greedy fuckers should gag on their dietary-staples of Charms blow-pops and generic cigarettes, thrash around in their semen-stained office chairs and collapse blue-faced into a puddle of cheez-whiz on their filthy, popcorn-littered cheap carpeted floor. Since all their friends are online cyber-losers like themselves their partially liquefied remains will be discovered six weeks later when their landlord realizes that the horrendous stench in their apartment hall is not a backed up sewer line.

If there is a God.

Pros: Sometimes there’s naked ladies.
Cons: Sometimes there’s viruses.

2. Blogs About Blogs.
We Bloggers are a vain group of useless shut-ins who love to read about ourselves because it fuels our delusions of grandeur. Blogging Blogs pander to that vanity by doing pretty much exactly what I’m doing now. Are you not amused?

Pros: Easy to avoid.
Cons: Sometimes they’re right.

3. Diary Blogs.
Ok so you got up today and had eggs with bacon, then fought with your boyfriend for an hour. He’s an asshole. Who gives a shit? Diary Blogs are for only the deepest narcissists or the most incredibly bored housewives on the planet. Do something useful and start banging random delivery boys or your son’s high school football team! Here’s an alien concept: maybe your domestic drama isn’t the slightest bit interesting to anyone other than you and your mom!

Here’s another: maybe your mom is only pretending to give a shit too!

Pros: Sometimes they post pictures of their tits.
Cons: Sometimes they post picture of their cocks.

4. Rabid Political Blogs.
Liberals: you are now officially banned from using the following words

  • Outraged — Are you assholes ever anything but??
  • Impeachment — Not going to happen so get over it, dickless!
  • Nazi — Anybody you dont like.
  • Hitler — Some politico who was really bad, so Bush must be just like him.
  • Fascist — See: Nazi
  • Retard — Somebody who disagrees with you.
  • Fuck — Use this word three times in every sentence.
  • You assholes are so consumed with hate you’d rather throw the whole goddamn nation to the Arabs just to give Bush a black eye. Before you start mouthing off about how everybody you don’t like is a “Nazi”, you ignorant proto-hippies need to read some history (the REAL shit, not those PC rags that devote a whole page to The First Negro Woman Aviator but then leave out The Fucking Wright Brothers because they ran out of room in the goddamn book) and find out what a Nazi actually IS. Here’s a new idea – if you love the common folk so much maybe you should stop treating us like mongoloids you elitist asswipes! Here’s another – Instead of taking bong-hits of fake comedy news from The Daily Show and exhaling your moist resinous opinions all over the blogosphere, maybe you should watch some real news and get a fucking clue before you embarass yourselves in front of the entire goddamn world! Better yet, get out of the pinko classrooms, take a real job doing actual work for an actual wage for a change and get the FUCK off my goddamn internet.

    Pros: You abort your kids, so your numbers are plummeting.
    Cons: Those of you not forcefully coverted to Allah when the filthy Arabs take over will be killed last.

    Conservatives: you are banned from using the following words

  • World War II — different war so give it a rest.
  • Progress — How stupid do you think we are?
  • Libtard — Ok, that one’s funny.
  • Responsibilty — Tell that to the Pedophile faggot congressmen and their enablers.
  • Appeasment — Asses up in the air, boys – CEO Lobbyist coming through!
  • Hypocracy — Fuck you.
  • Middle Class — QUESTION: Dogs are to fleas as The Middle Class is to ________
  • Strong Economy — You’re getting rich but your workers are living on poptarts. Eat ME instead.
  • Reform — Good idea, somebody should fucking try it some day!
  • You fucking Conservatives blew it in Iraq and now we’re screwed so bad the peace morons are actually making progress in our society! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING? Your sticky-fingered greed screwed up the Congress. You rake in trillions while outsourcing jobs to illiterate savages in foreign shitholes, starving the workers in this country and your profits soar while our wages sink. Get off the internet, go back to your winter home in the bahamas and butt-fuck your maid. Don’t forget to tip her twelve cents when you’ve finished.

    Pros: You kill lots of fillthy Arabs.
    Cons: You kill lots of American Soldiers.

    6. Tech/IT/Zipperhead Blogs.
    And you thought that nobody gave a flying fuck about Diary Blogs? Cross-platform Core Kernel compiler issues in BLOVID 2.75? What the fuck are you talking about? More importanly, when are you ever going to actually leave your desk and kiss a girl you pointy-headed-geek-transsexual-porn-loving dickwad??

    Pros: Good Shareware
    Cons: Useless programs that fuck up your hard drive.

    7. Business Blogs
    Holy shit, where is my gun…? A BLOG for BUSINESSES? What the FUCK do you need a BLOG for? And who the HELL would ever read it? Blogs are for regular people who can’t afford to buy a professionally designed web page. People like real blogs better than YOUR web site because real blogs actually have some entertainment value every once in a while. Go ahead, write a blog. Waste more money, I don’t give a shit there’s plenty of Ramen noodles to go around for your hourly employees.

    Pros: Coupons for shit.
    Cons: You have to read the shit to find them.

    8. Everything Else
    Sucks. Screw you all I’m going to the bar.

    19 Comments

    1. frothmistress
      Posted October 6, 2006 at 7:36 pm | Permalink

      Mongeaux eat good beans. Good gas come out. Most excellent mongeauxiousness.

    2. Posted October 6, 2006 at 7:59 pm | Permalink

      Mongeaux is not for the faint of heart or delicate of constitution. Mongeaux does not usually blog – Mongeaux posts in unsavory forums.

    3. Posted October 6, 2006 at 8:52 pm | Permalink

      Mongeaux needs to calm down and get himself a nice body waxing.

    4. Posted October 6, 2006 at 9:00 pm | Permalink

      Goldbloom:

      Hehe, sometimes it’s nice to cut loose.

    5. dragonlady474
      Posted October 6, 2006 at 9:38 pm | Permalink

      Hey, I like Mongeaux, he’s funny! It’s like hanging out with my band all over again…only more swearing. lol

    6. Posted October 6, 2006 at 9:46 pm | Permalink

      dragonlady:

      Mongeaux is profane – that’s part of his quirky charm.

    7. Freddie
      Posted October 7, 2006 at 11:16 am | Permalink

      I read this with great interest, hoping to figure out which category my blog falls under.

      I’m thinking it’s maybe 2 or 3?

      C’mon. Fess up Mongeaux…

    8. Freddie
      Posted October 7, 2006 at 11:17 am | Permalink

      But, for the record, there’ll be no tit posting.

    9. Posted October 7, 2006 at 1:13 pm | Permalink

      Freddie

      Your nickname is not clickable, The Beast can’t recall if he has been to your blog or not. Please send a link, The Beast would love to have a look.

      However if there had been tit posting at your blog, odds are better that he would have remembered.

    10. dragonlady474
      Posted October 7, 2006 at 3:56 pm | Permalink

      Goldbloom showed her udders. lol

    11. Posted October 7, 2006 at 5:34 pm | Permalink

      The beast has no comment other than he is sure they are lovely.

    12. Posted October 7, 2006 at 10:51 pm | Permalink

      LOL…Dragon those weren’t my udders, they were Elsie’s.

    13. dragonlady474
      Posted October 8, 2006 at 10:47 am | Permalink

      Of course we’ll never know because you conveniently left out the face when you posted the picture.

    14. Posted October 8, 2006 at 10:44 pm | Permalink

      Mongeaux needs to get laid – preferrably with the sexy chick from Yahoo personals.

    15. Posted October 10, 2006 at 7:29 am | Permalink

      Yes, I’ve blogged many places and it’s difficult to find the place one “feel at home”. But I feel I have got the best result of good blogg-friends here, who are grown up people with a real life.
      I don’t know which category you would put me in though… :( He, he…maybe I’m not in any category :) Then I’m in the category “everything else” … I suck…Are you going to come and fuck me!!! Go and take a beer

    16. dragonlady474
      Posted October 10, 2006 at 9:52 pm | Permalink

      hehehe

    17. margarita_man
      Posted October 12, 2006 at 8:58 pm | Permalink

      There is nothing so refreshing as someone who can so clearly state opinions that so closely mirror my own. Are you by chance related to The Kid from Brooklyn?

    18. dragonlady474
      Posted October 12, 2006 at 9:23 pm | Permalink

      Mr. Sinatra??? Frank??? lol

    19. Posted July 6, 2008 at 12:26 pm | Permalink

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